Oh hey.

I've stopped writing and it makes me very sad. It wasn't a deliberate "I don't think I'll write anymore" thought. I just stopped. I think that when I first came home from Vienna, I felt like my life wasn't very exciting anymore. Why would people want to read about how I ate peanut butter toast for breakfast and went to the Post Office in the afternoon? That's all I could seem to come up with for a while. I've worried too about who reads my blog. I wrote about my fun trips last semester and now all I want to write about are my thoughts. I've been thinking about a lot of crazy things lately and I feel like I want to know exactly who I'm sharing them with. Even though I get this crazy satisfaction when I post on my blog, I'm never quite sure who's reading it. That's been holding me back too.
I read my mom's "25 Random Things" note on Facebook today. It was magnificent. My love for the English language came flooding back to me as I read her beautifully crafted sentences. Twenty-five seemingly simple statements, but they let you see right through to the center of the lovely woman who is my mother. She is truly great. As I read, I remembered how we share that love of language. I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.
And so, here I am. Writing. Man, it feels great. I have so much to say, but I don't know where to begin. It's all a jumble in my brain. I've been trying to sort through a lot of things lately without writing them down and I realized today that I just can't expect peace of mind when I do things that way. My thoughts never formulate fully until I write them down. Sometimes that bothers me, because it means I'm horrible at thinking on my feet. I'm accepting it though. Starting today, it's a priority to write in my journal everyday. It's for my own well-being. I've had this weird feeling lately and I don't know why. Perhaps this is Heavenly Father's way of helping me figure it out. He's telling me to take it from my brain and type away, just write it down.
Wow, what a rant. There is absolutely no fluidity in this entry. I'm not even going to read through it again. If I did that, I probably wouldn't post it. I'm too much of a perfectionist. Jordan left before 11:30 tonight and I was sure I'd get to bed before midnight. I guess it's just not possible for me. Huh.
Okay, okay. I'm almost finished. Just one more thing. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of being so caught up in my homework and my job that I don't take the time to be conscious of the needs of others. I feel like I don't serve. I haven't been to FHE once this semester, because I'm always in the library...or just in the apartment doing other stuff I've somehow deemed more important. Tonight as I was walking up to the Clyde Building to study, I passed an apartment with open blinds. At first glance, I only saw a few people, but as I looked closer, I saw that the entire floor was filled with sitting BYU students. They were all intently listening to a guy on the couch. Yep, they were having Family Night. So when it comes down to it, what's really important? An extra 30 minutes of studying or following a commandment of the Lord? How do I expect myself to hold Family Home Evening every week once I'm a mom if I don't have a testimony of it right now? I did once, but my actions are showing me that it's not very strong right now. Make it a priority. There is doch time for looking outside myself. Make it happen, Claire. Come on.

Well, goodnight computer. You've been very helpful tonight. I need to sleep now. It'll probably take me a while. Just kidding, probably not. I have no trouble sleeping...ever. I'm going to wake up happy in the morning and grow progressively happier as my day rolls on. Yep, that's the plan. I'll report back tomorrow, don't you worry.

P.S. If you happen to see Jordan around, ask him nicely to get a phone very soon. Yeah, that'd be nice.