Fresh Courage.

Whooooosshh.
I feel tightness between my shoulder blades. I feel staggered breaths, deep and sudden in their intake. I feel the minute between 11:59 and 12:00 midnight looming above me like a storm cloud, except this time the connotation is not freeing or beautiful. I feel the back table of this room drawing my attention and know that I cannot go over for a thumb war.
I feel. I feel. I feel. I feel. I feel. I feel. I feel.
I must remember this always. I must remember that I feel.
All through my summer, I burst through threats of numbness. Every day was a new exploration of my world, illuminated by new possibilities. The eraser stroke of a passing day slowly etched at hurt feelings and frowns, revealing the giant yellow smiley face that lay beneath--generic in its appearance, but organic and fresh and infused with NEWness I had never known before.
Now I am back to a jam-packed schedule of explicating poems and reading hundreds of pages and writing lines and lines of German grammar exercises.
But I must not shy away from my voice, the voice I discovered and created during my sunny days without school. I must not stop taking time to write just for ME. I must not stop exploring my creativity and that of others. I must not stop writing letters to my sister or calling my grandmother. I must not stop trying new recipes. I must not stop LIVING just because I have fifteen credits and twenty hours of work and a million hours of reading every week.
I will continue my progression and actually LEARN from what I hear in my classes, not just regurgitate. I will move forward and onward.

4. September 2009
I'm Claire and I don't like rap.
I like everything BUT rap.
Rap sucks.
I hate rap.
I'm Claire and I never wear holey jeans.
I'm Claire and I don't paint my fingernails EVER, but I always paint my toenails.
I'm Claire and I don't cry in front of people.
I'm Claire and I'm not creative.
I'm not Claire and I never wear skirts unless I have to.

Mi nombre es Claire and I have said all these things out loud before. None of them have remained true. None of them are true. Some are more false than others, but they are all wrong.

I will not be afraid of self-definitions I once said out loud. I am capable of change and in love with change.

Yes, I listen to rap...sometimes.
Yes, my cut-off shorts have holes in the pockets.
Yes, I have painted my fingernails many times.
Yes, I cry in front of people often and do not feel weak.
Yes, I have tapped into my brain's right side.
Yes, I wear skirts at least three times a week.
So what?

13. September 2009
CES Fireside
Sister Elaine S. Dalton

I am overcome with the desire to be just like this woman. She is eloquent (yes, she graduated BYU with an English BA). She is beautiful and well-dressed and modest. She is wise. She loves her family and grows tearful as she speaks of them proudly. She is real and she relates to me. AND she runs marathons. What a baller (is that okay to say?). I can be her someday. If I set my mind to it, I can be her. At least that is what I will aspire to. Elaine S. Dalton, can we have lunch sometime?

...
Thunder shakes my air, oxygen seeped with rainpour, my calves are splattered as my pace quickens.
I am full of new beginnings.
I am full of love of life and people.
I am full and overflowing.
(Repetition helps me learn.)

Let the thunder shake your core: AWAKE.
Let the rain pour through your insides: CLEANSE.
Let the lightning widen your peripheral: EXPAND.

Claire Sorensen
The end of Book #3. Yeah that's right I finished three in one summer. What.